By Sonya DeBoer Cameron LMFT
Self-Assessment
Read on to complete a self-assessment that will allow you to see how well you have set up boundaries for yourself, and what areas of your health will be impacted accordingly.
Boundaries can be looked at as trying to care about and respect others as well as yourself. Having healthy boundaries means knowing your own needs and then respecting them. It also means trying to ensure others are aware of your limits by verbally acknowledging them, and choosing to have people in your life that will respect your limits. Certainly, a big part of this is also being considerate of others and what boundaries they have. It's a two-way street.
Your Happiness
Certain people are very good at establishing firm boundaries, while for others it is a real struggle. Your ability to say “yes” or “no” to people, in response to what you really want or don’t want, is one factor which even on its own can strongly predict how happy or unhappy you will be in life.
Setting boundaries with people in your life, especially the ones closest to you, can be a very challenging task. Guilt, shame or a desire to please others can make you say “yes” to something others want, when honestly everything within you wants to say “no”. You feel it will be too much for you, or uncomfortable for you personally.
Your Emotional Health
If you have a tendency to give in to what others want, or to do what is good for them and not for yourself, then you will also have a tendency to feel overwhelmed, stressed out, irritated and resentful. You'll wonder, “Where is time for me and what I want?” In contrast, if you have a habit of balancing doing things for others, while also doing things for yourself, then you will be more likely to feel satisfied, healthy, rested and positive towards others.
Self-Assessment of Boundaries
Put a check-mark in the circles below (or mentally note your response if reading this article online) to mark which statements describe your situation or how you relate to others.
Generally, I tend to:
Physical Boundaries
0 Not like being alone
0 Allow others to touch me though I don’t like it
0 Touch others without asking
0 Disregard my own needs
0 Feel fatigued and overwhelmed by tasks
0 Eat poorly or irregularly
0 Not exercise as much as I want to
Emotional Boundaries
0 Feel emotionally overflowing
0 Give of myself to the point of feeling resentful
0 Feel like I have to take away others’ suffering
0 Let my behaviour be influenced by others
0 Feel the feelings of others
0 Tell too much about myself
0 Feel used or like a victim
0 Get close to others too fast
0 Feel like I am the only one helping
0 Experience prolonged resentments
0 React with overpowering emotion to others’ needs
0 Say yes when I want to say no
0 Feel responsible for the feelings of others
0 Try to protect others from pain or discomfort
0 Feel insecure
0 Overcompensate for others
0 Feel guilty saying no or not helping
0 Expect others to meet my needs, without asking
0 Give too much
0 Feel out of control in a chaotic world
0 Want to rescue people from their consequences
0 Feel like a failure if I make a mistake
0 Give in to make others happy
Mental Boundaries
0 Not think about my own rights or personal choices
0 Be longing for the life I had wanted in the past
0 Get preoccupied with others’ lives
0 Assume others know how I feel
0 Attach self-esteem to my romantic life
0 Be unclear about my preferences
0 Alter my behaviour to fit others’ moods or plans
0 Not have firm limits or a bottom line
0 (If a parent), be inconsistent in discipline
0 Ignore my own rights and standards
0 Lay aside my own hobbies, goals and dreams
0 Take on the responsibilities of others
0 Get in relationships where the giving isn’t equal
0 Let others define who I am or am not
0 (If a parent), change rules often & make exceptions
0 Let others decide what role or position I should take
0 Focus on enduring/surviving the problem
Spiritual Boundaries
0 Alter my own opinions or beliefs to match others’
0 Withhold my ideas if they are different
0 Go against my personal values or morals to please others
0 Trust others’ intuition and not my own
0 Not explore for myself what I believe, but adopts others’ beliefs
Personal Reflection:
Are you establishing boundaries that are healthy for you?
Are you caring for yourself as well as you're caring for others?
Are your limits and boundaries being violated by others?
Establishing healthy boundaries can mean the difference between merely trying to stay afloat in life, to thriving and experiencing happiness and fulfillment. Choose a fulfilling life; choose to have clear, life-giving limits.
About the Author
Sonya DeBoer Cameron MC, LMFT, is based in Tacoma, WA. She works as a professional counselor, consultant, writer and speaker. To inquire about any of her current projects or to book her to speak at one of your events, call (253) 752-1860 extension 324 or visit her website www.truefoundation.com
*Copyright 2002
Resource: A great book on this subject has been written by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It has been a reference source for this article.
